i'm so tired. just so tired.

i'm not 16 any more nor do i wish i was.

yes, there was some good days, but i dont want to revert back to being 16.

i'm older now. more mature. i no longer believe in flights. i'm more positive - despite any FB status updates. your friends are your friends because you love them. because you give them little pieces of your heart. i suppose it is their choice of what they want to do with those pieces.

i want to collect them back. place them in a bottle. keep them. never give them away again.

i find them everywhere. on the side of the roads - after being tossed out of the car. after being walked on. in dirty bathrooms, heroin hallways, broke-down cars. but yet, i pick them up anyway and place them in my bottle. they no longer form a heart. more like a deformed circle. at least cirlces are round. they keep going. keep going until they bring me back to the begining.

i dont want to do this again. i dont want to get run over by the car that threw away my little peices. and just when i think i'm ahead, i'm so far in the distance, it starts speeding and catches me off guard. i must have made a wrong turn somewhere. i must have tripped along the way.

why cant i be left alone? why cant they stay away. the haters. the wrong-doers. i'm too old for this. i'm to emotionally scarred. yes, i blame myself for when i was 16, 17, 18, 21. but i know now. i know my faults. i know why i am the way i am and i no longer need you to show me. its been weeks now, why must you come back and break my bottle? why must you try to hurt me all over again?

i'm just tired. i'm hurt. and i cant help but wonder why if i'm the one that shows you the other side - the other shoes, who is there to show you mine? oh yeah, no one...i'm frustrated. and apparently i'm really selfish.

does it even matter anymore? am i running my words out to those that dont read? am i doing it for myself? do i even care? of course i care. obviously or i wouldnt be writing in an online journal that no one reads except for myself every couple of months...when i remember. when i care.

i guess i just dont get it. as much distance as i place. as much as i stay away. nothing helps. nothing helps at all. i can change my phone numbers. i can change my address. but what is the point? they always find you. always.

if i delete myself from fb again, then i am deleting myself from the friends i actually care about.

i just dont get it.

i give someone a phone number because no one tells me not to. they both stop being my friend.

i have no desire whatsoever to date tom, and yet i cant be friends with him.

i voice my opinion, and no one explains their side, they just dont talk to me anymore.

i want to do something that i want to do for my birthday, i'm ignored. "i was really hoping your birthday would never come up, but i guess i am going to have to tell you...we ignored you because you didnt want to go to lunch with us"

i'm just so tired of all of this and yet i can escape. if i never say anything, it haunts me. if i say something, my words are forever imprinted.

i wish i knew what to do. i wish life came with a manual. i'm not even getting any lemons from this. i'm not learning any lessons. i'm not see any sort of "blessing in disguise". it's just wasting my time. wasting my thoughts. wasting whatever amount of energy i have left. i hate it all. i hate it...all.

why is it i know when people are lying? and why is it i care if i lied first?

From:
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 11:53 AM
To:
Subject: Re: sorry.

I would like that.

You’re right.

You never pressured me to do anything that I never wanted to do. I did it because I wanted to.

I wanted to support you and alec and be apart of your lives because I loved you guys. You mean more to me than most people ever could.

But you’re right.

I wasn’t the greatest friend over the last couple of months, with absolutely no excuse.

But if you’re willing, I really want to set things right.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 11:23 AM
To:
Subject: Re: sorry.

you were in agrement to go out for lunch for your birthday... You didn't ask, you didn't want to make it a big deal so we didn't!!! So stop assuming that you are in the right thinking that you wanted to have any sort of birthday anything...

last year i NEVER pressured you into going to his show... i asked once when everyone was gone if you wanted to go and then i remember saying that if you didn't want to go we can do something else... i felt bad for you because everyone showed up for a while... i remember people stayed and played priate life with you... no one really wants to sit around on Halloween weekend and play board games... they showed up because it was your birthday... you should be grateful for that at least...

I've never asked you to buy him gifts or anything like that so don't you dare bring him into this! I don't ask that from anyone... he's a happy kid.. he doesn't want for much! You were messed with ONE time at his show by his cousin who thought you were pretty, and he was drunk no excuse but it's the truth and he's not use to someone being unfriendly... the thing with her and I was worked out because i truly love her and didn't want to lose her as a friend.. and we knew that a guy will never come between us...yeah you helped when you told me how upset she was but really, it's been five years!!

he doesn't need you to set up shows for him... he's doing pretty good on his own... so thats not an issue you need to worry about.

Funny.. you're the one telling me it was a birtday dinner that you were having with him... maybe if you didn't say it was a birthday dinner i wouldn't have been so hurt and angry...

i ask you to do things with me all the time, and if it's not what you want to do you don't do it... if you'd realize that i only have that time to be out and the one person i ask to hang out with is you and you turn me down because you just don't feel like it then fine... i find that pretty selfish... and doesn't make me want to ask you to do any thing in the future.

From:
To:
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 10:50:17 AM
Subject: RE: sorry.

I guess it’s all my fault. For not having a clue what was going on. For being told that "this is what we are doing for your birthday"

For actually being busy.

Its not even the fact that it’s a birthday. Its just another day. But what hurt so much is that it’s the one day I actually ask for something in return. Maybe I just have selected memory and I don’t recall asking for anything else. Maybe I was in places I shouldn’t have been and it was warranted. I’ve gone over it and over it and over it in my head that I must be forgetting something.

I mean, I know I have missed my fair share of birthdays too.

Its like, I get a text "he is playing tonight, you should come" and immediately I think "well, I don’t really want to go because I get pulled off chairs and told I have a "mean face" but alec and michell would appreciate it, so I’ll go for them because we are friends and its what friends do". I don’t know, maybe I didn’t support you guys enough. Buy him enough gifts. Set up enough shows. Talk enough sense into you and heather when you both wanted to end your friendship over him. Maybe that’s not what friends do and I was really mistaken.

But you’re right. I didn’t want to do anything to "celebrate" my birthday. You saw last year, missy and aaron show and leave right away. No one wanted to do anything. The entire time you tried to get me to go to his show. I didn’t want to do anything because I was tired of people not showing up or wanting to leave right away. So the last thing I wanted was to do something where someone kept looking at their watch. And if we were to do something, then lets do something I want to do. if its my birthday, then lets do something that interests me. and you were okay with that. you said you were all for it. but then kim wasn’t. and so if we couldn’t make everyone happy, then no one was going to be happy doing anything, and since you and kim really wanted to go to lunch, then I let you and kim go to lunch.

And to clarify, there was so "birthday dinner" with him. We always go to pizza hut, it was nothing special, I just tried dropping as many hints that it was my birthday so there was no way I was forgotten.

But then the strangest thing happened… the people I value and love the most, didn’t talk to me at all. Didn’t say one word to me. the ones that own the little pieces of my heart took them and ran and left a huge hole in the middle.

Its like you say, its just one day out of 365, but it’s the one day I actually ask for something. I ask for two words. If I was so greedy, I think I would be a lot happier.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 10:19 AM
To:
Subject: Re: sorry.

i didn't ignore you because i was upset that you didn't want to have a birthday lunch with her and i... something that we only get to do once in a while. I was hurt because you went out to dinner with him for a birthday dinner... i thought well hell why can she go to dinner with him but can't even have lunch with two of her 'good friends'... Also you said that you didn't want to make a big deal out of your birthday this year so we didn't...

Every time we talked about your birthday you would say something along the lines like why bother... it sucked last year it will suck this year... I was with you on your birthday last year... so that doesn't make me feel any better about wanting to celebrate this year with you if i get a year of saying how much your birthdays suck... Believe me i know about horrible birthdays... i've had them since i was 13, but you don't hear me complaining about them...

her and i tried to do something nice for you for your birthday even have heather come down to surprise you, but since you had a friend that came into town and then had " stuff to do" i just thought that you really didn't care. her and i don't have a lot of spare time and we tried to do some thing nice for you but it wasn't what you wanted to do... it was the only thing we could do at that time.

From:
To:
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 10:00:26 AM
Subject: RE: sorry.

I guess I just really want to know if it’s true that the reason you ignored me on my birthday is because you were upset because I didn’t want to do what you and her wanted to do for my birthday…

Is this true?

I mean, I’m not angry, just really disappointed because I thought I knew you and her better than this, so I’m really hoping that there was a miscommunication and this isn’t true.

I just figured it would be easier to talk than email or text, but with our schedules, sometimes this is the only outlet…

From:
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 9:52 AM
To:
Subject: sorry.

Sorry i wasn't able to call you back last night... If you want i can call you tonight after 7:00.